Sarah and David have been married for the last three years. Like in many families, Sarah takes care of the home and the kids. These days, she cannot help but notice that he tosses his clothes and shoes all over the room whenever David returns from work before falling into a sofa in front of the television.
She is finding it more challenging to cope with working full-time and handling the house chores alone. She wonders why David does nothing to relieve her of the burden. Slowly, she starts resenting him, leading to significant marriage problems.
Although men are increasingly involved with house chores, there isn’t gender equality on the “diaper-dishes” front line. If the woman works just as long as the man yet still handles the majority of domestic work, it can lead to the woman feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and wishing she had more time for herself.
My Husband Comes Home From Work And Does Nothing – 13 Reasons And Solutions
If your story is similar to Sarah’s, here are some reasons your husband doesn’t do anything after official working hours and what you can do to get him more involved with domestic work.
If you do not understand the nature of his work, it can be easy to conclude that your husband does not care. It may just be that his job is physically and mentally exhausting. If this is the case, when he gets home, he is not likely to bother with extra work.
He wants to rest and prepare for a new day. Both of you have to examine your options. You may have to take on a less stressful job that allows you more time at the end of the day.
He could resign from his current position and find something less stressful, but that could pay less. Or both of you could upskill so you can land more lucrative jobs. The key is to choose what compromise works best for the family.
Your husband may be a firm believer in gender roles. He may believe that the husband should provide while the wife should be in charge on the domestic front.
If he foots the bill 100%, it’s fair to take care of the home in return. If you dislike the arrangement, you could opt for alternatives. Both of you can split the bills and chores. With proper communication, he may decide to help without you having to contribute financially.
If you insist he should do things your way, you will finally do them yourself. For instance, he is trying to slice onions, but you insist he must hold the knife a certain way even when his method will still produce the desired results.
Here, it would be best if you accepted that your husband’s upbringing differs from yours. The least you can do is to be more accommodating and focused on the results rather than the process.
Also, remember that a few words of praise and encouragement now and then will work in your favor.
4. Defining Terms
In a home, the man is more likely to take on physically demanding chores or require technical know-how, e.g., changing bulbs, fixing generators, etc.
Before you conclude that he doesn’t contribute to the home, take a step back and recall all the chores you don’t do. Do you remember who changed the engine oil in your car last week? What about when you asked him to put on the generator?
Sometimes, acknowledging these tasks are another form of chores can help you put things in perspective.
5. Lone Time
After a long day, maybe evenings are when he recoups and focuses on his hobbies and personal development. He may prefer spending time with his friends, watching a football match, reading a book, taking an online course, etc.
You may also need to consider his personality. If your husband is introverted but works in an extrovert’s paradise, having “me time” in the evening benefits his well-being.
It would be best if you considered a compromise here. You can handle the chores during weekdays and get him involved during weekends. You can also ask him to do less demanding tasks, e.g., Dropping off the kids at school in the mornings, paying the water and electricity bills, etc.
Your husband may not be helping out at home because he thinks you do not need him; else, you would have asked. On the one hand, you think he doesn’t care, and on the other, he thinks you are doing just fine.
If you have never asked for help, how do you expect him to know that you need it? How is he supposed to read your mind to determine what you want?
Sometimes, what you need is just one request away. Ask, and it may be given unto you.
Sometimes you ask for help but still, need to get it. Your husband’s mind may be preoccupied with other tasks. He may also need to be a more mindful person.
If your husband forgets quickly, you will need to make it a habit to remind him regularly. Remind him with love while assuming the best if you choose to tow this path. If you think of his tendency to forget positively, you will find it more manageable. For instance, you’re reminding your husband to buy groceries on his way back from work because he has a lot on his plate and could forget, not because he doesn’t care.
You may be talking to him like a maid instead of a partner. As much as you want his assistance, be courteous about it. You cannot be ordering an adult around and expect compliance. In other cases, you sound like you are begging for a favor.
When your husband picks up the broom to sweep the floor, he is not doing you any favors. He is simply taking responsibility because it is his home as well.
If you want to get your husband involved with chores, ask respectfully. In some cases, you can get the kids to ask. For instance, if your child needs help with his homework, you can tell him to ask his father for help instead. That way, you would have relieved yourself of some tasks, and he would be less likely to refuse his child.
If you also work full time like him but still have to take full responsibility for the house and the kids, you may start feeling resentful towards him. It may be that he is not sensitive to your needs and does not see the stress’s effect on you.
Proper communication addresses this issue. It would be best if you pointed out the ways you’ve been affected and how it impacts the way you relate with him. He may have noticed your new attitude and would be open to change.
10. Big Deal Tendency
Maybe he was raised in a home where the mother just did everything without complaining or seeming to break a sweat. Now, he feels all women should be like his mother.
You would have to tell him that you do not live in the same year his mother lived, and neither are you blessed with her strength. Getting him to be in charge of the chores for a week could change his views.
11. Inability to Contribute
Your husband may have never had to wash the dishes or do the laundry at any point in his life. Maybe he has always had sisters and a mother who always did it for him, so he never bothered to learn.
If this is the case, you should teach him how to do these things and be patient throughout the learning process.
If your husband is keen on productivity and time management, you may need help convincing him to take out the trash instead of finishing up a report or working on a side hustle. It’s not that he doesn’t know what to do; he would instead delegate those tasks and focus on things that are more important to him.
Now, both of you can decide to delegate some chores to external help. You can hire a cleaner that comes in twice a week or employ the services of a dry cleaner to help with the laundry.
If you are a highly organized and meticulous person while your husband is not, it may feel like he never does anything but the truth is that you do everything before he gets a chance to do anything.
For instance, you take out the trash when it’s half full, but he would have taken it out when it was filled to the brim. Maybe he will only wash clothes once he runs out of things to wear, while you like doing the laundry bi-weekly.
Since this is just a difference in personality, one party has to decide to compromise. Either slow down on your part or accept things the way they are. You can also talk to him in hopes that he will change or ask him to do those chores when you would have done them.
It could be that he does not like or want to do anything after work because he is feeling lazy. Or that could be his character flaw.
If this is a character flaw, getting him to change could be tricky, especially if he is not open to the idea. Since he is your husband and you love him, you can decide to practice endurance and focus on other parts of his character that you like.
As with many issues couples face in marriage, the key to getting your husband involved in domestic work is proper communication, being open to making compromises, and finding a middle ground to make things work.
Even couples who have thoroughly discussed how they want their marriage to work confront challenges of this nature because our culture has such a significant influence.
This may or may not be the reason for your marriage call. But one thing is sure: if you just let things go and assume your husband would change on his own, you will be doomed.
It would be best if you expressed your dissatisfaction with everything.
Before offering suggestions for how to handle and modify the situation, attempt to understand where this type of behavior on his part is coming from.